So I woke up this morning at 10:30. Too early for my liking. I immediately realized that I would rather go back to my loopy dreams than stay awake and think of all the things to be done. . . and how weird I feel about the situation I am in. Something has to change. And I mean myself. So I'm just going to take my entire personality, and pin it to the drawing board, because I obviously have not been communicating my intentions and expressing myself as clearly and thoughtfully as I could be doing. There are many obvious flaws to my personality, but the one that seems to be the stickiest, messiest, and most influential flaw would be my codependency. I understand that needing others is okay. But I've been clinging on to people and confusing the right thing to do with the most comfortable thing to do. Its cruel that we are wired for attachment in such an ever-changing, unpredictable world.
Another thing. Something that Ian told me that has and will continue to stick out in my head for probably years: he told me that my physicality is blinding. Blinding. . . I know he didn't intend it to mean that I am just an empty shell and that my perspective, thoughts, identity and personality are completely uninteresting to him. At least I certainly hope not. Point is, we are not compatible at all. But the lack of compatibility was covered by blinding physical attractiveness... for both parties. . .
I never. ever. EVER. want anything like this to happen to me again. I want someone to fall in love with my weird, and extremely rare perspective. My personality. Not someone that just tolerates it, or even accepts it. I want someone to love it. That would be a masterpiece. I want someone who admires it, shares it, and I want someone to think with me... I would be happy to find myself needing someone like that.
So to begin "fixing" myself, I have already gone to both humbling and outlandish measures. To give more attention to my self-esteem and less to how others see my outer shell, I have completely eliminated mirrors and make up. When I think about it, social norms aside, make up is hilarious. You are essentially smearing colored pastes and powders on your face. Why? To be accepted? I don't really know why. I have spent so much of my time doing it in the past, but its unnecessary and a complete waste of my time.
I picked up a book yesterday. I actually read it. Its a book called Brave New World, and most of the vocabulary is way over my head. I love this. I highlight words and concepts that are alien to me, and then look them up. This is all part of my process by the way.
I also decided Facebook is a waste of my time. as well as the internet in general. In fact, the only reason I am writing in this blog is so that I can keep track of my progress. I don't expect anyone to actually read this. I know that when I look back at this, or read it rather, I will hear an old familiar, younger, weaker voice ring out in my head.
